Positive Solutions for Parents

We were so fortunate to have Mary Alice Wagner join us for Tell Mama. We discussed how to respond to challenging behaviors. Included here are Mary Alice’s notes as well as questions that were addressed(in italics).


It’s so important to build positive relationships with children. If you have a lot of positive interactions, it’s not so hard to have to discipline.

There is a lot of “power” in using positive comments and encouragement with children.
• Tip 1 Get your child’s attention.
• Tip 2 Use behavior specific language.
• Tip 3 Keep it simple - Avoid combining encouragement with criticism.
• Tip 4 Encourage with enthusiasm.
• Tip 5 Double the impact with physical warmth.
• Tip 6 Use positive comments and encouragement with your child in front of others.


Understand how play can be a powerful parenting practice.
• Tip 1: Follow your child’s lead -Wait, watch, and then join your child’s play
• Tip 2: Talk, talk, talk about what your child is doing
• Tip 3: Encourage your child’s creativity
• Tip 4: Watch for your child’s cues
• Tip 5: Avoid power struggles
• Tip 6: Have fun together

Examine why children do what they do.

Practice ways to determine the meaning of behavior.

Understand how to make expectations clear for children.
• Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do.
• Clearly and simply state what you expect your child to do.
• Have age appropriate expectations.
• Use age appropriate language. Young children have difficulty with
contractions (two words that are combined to form one such as "don’t").
• Children have a hard time remembering. It’s not that they are being defiant,
they just forgot. Remind them what is appropriate.

Develop and teach household rules. (Make a list of 3-5 rules and put them somewhere where everyone can see them.)

Emotional Literacy: Identify feeling words and identify effective ways to teach feeling vocabulary.
• Talk about feelings
• Ask your child to tell you how they feel
• Teach new emotion words (e.g., frustrated, confused, anxious, excited, worried)
• Talk about how characters in a book, video, or on t.v. may feel
• Reflect on situations and discuss feelings
• Accept and support your child’s expression of feelings
• Use books and art activities to talk about emotions

Learn how to teach problem solving skills.
• Try to anticipate problems
• Stay near your child
• Support your child
• Encourage your child

Identify the meaning of behavior by examining what happens before and after the problem behavior.

Identify the three parts of a behavior plan: preventions, new skills to teach, and new responses.
• Redirect –Physical & Verbal.
• Use Neutral Time to discuss behavior.
• Logical Consequences (If they draw on the wall, then have to clean it up).
• First, Then (If you do this, then this will happen).

Try to minimize the possibility that your child will have challenging behavior!
• Simplify the task.
• Explain what will come.
• Make your child comfortable.
• Use a job chart.
• Show a picture.
• Reduce distractions.
• Offer help.
• Prepare the activity ahead of time.
• Make the activity fun!

Questions:

My child gets physical and hits me and others sometimes. What do I do?
• Try to teach gentle touch, maybe with a stuffed animal.
• Act out a scenario that happened earlier.
• Have consequences.
• Figure out what is triggering them (hunger, tired, etc.).
• Kids have to keep it together all day at school, it is inevitable that they
break down at home where it is comfortable for them to express themselves.
• Give your child words to express how they feel.
• Give them options and alternatives to expressing their emotions.

Transitions are challenging. Any suggestions?
Five minute warnings.
•Get a timer, that way it’s the timer’s fault, not yours.
•Set up expectations.
•Give the child choices with both alternatives to be in your favor (ex: Do you want me to carry you to the shower or do you want to walk?)
•Don’t ask questions when it is not a question. (ex: “Bath time!” not “Are you ready for a bath?”)
•Rewards are great. (“If you do this, then this will happen.”)

My child craves my attention at the most inconvenient times, like when I’m on the phone or cooking dinner.
•Include your child in the task when cooking dinner. Give them a simple task that may not be helpful but it makes them feel included.
•Have a special basket of toys that only comes out while you are cooking dinner or on the phone.
•It’s ok to set them in front of the TV so you can get some things done. There are quite a bit of educational shows now-a-days.

I feel guilty if I am not focusing all of my time on my children.
•You need your alone time. It is necessary for your sanity. Take it when you can.
•Go with their flow. If they are napping use that time to nap or get things done.
•Set expectations (“After we do this together, then mommy needs to do this and you will play with your toys.”)
•Usually they crave your attention after you get home from work because they haven’t seen you. Give them some intense attention at first and it will become easier for them to entertain themselves later.
•Make a schedule chart with steps for breakfast, lunch, bedtime, etc.
•Make rules (3-5 rules like gentle touch and bedtime).

Should meal times be regular?
•The expectation of “no snacking” is not appropriate for younger age children.
•Plan meals. You don’t want to create a grazer.
•Give the children vegetables when they get home from school when they are hungry. It is a lot harder to get them to eat the vegetables when they have three other options at dinner time.
•If your child is constantly asking for their milk or a comfort food, figure out why. Sometimes they are stressed out by something. Address what is really bothering them.